The following is an excerpt from my book, Freedom, Healing for Parents of Disabled Children. It is part of Barbara Boucher's blog carnival on "Healing." As a gifted Christian who is an Occupational Therapist with a PhD in philosophy, she has a special love for children with special needs and their parents. As a result, God is using her mightily. I am happy to participate in her carnival as I have learned first hand that God seeks to heal in all situations. He just does not heal the way we expect Him to sometimes.
Chapter Eight
"It was a beautiful day. The air was cool as the sun glistened through the orange and red leaves of the trees. The humidity had lifted, there wasn’t a hint of rain in the air, and puffy white clouds hung weightlessly in the sky. On the outside, it couldn’t have been a more striking day, but on the inside a tempest was brewing deep within my heart.
It had only been three years, but caring for Dani and her disabilities felt as if it had gone on forever. Feelings of anger, frustration and futility were beginning to surface, bringing with them a mighty storm. I hadn’t volunteered to be the mother of a disabled child, I couldn’t seem to get used to it, and it was beginning to take its toll on me. Something had to be done, so I did what I had to do; I called a meeting with God. It was time to put all the cards on the table and tell Him exactly what I thought, which is precisely what I did.
I’d just arrived home after taking Dani to school when suddenly, as if out of the blue, I had enough. Talk about being honest with God. This session with Him either earned me a gold medal or knocked a few jewels out of my heavenly crown. To this day, I don’t know what triggered the episode. I only know I was smack dab in the middle of the living room when the storm hit. It was one of those rare times, spiritually speaking, in which I took off the gloves and got completely honest with God. In the past, I had more or less kept a distance between God and me, labeling it as respect and honor for Him. The problem was, I never got close enough to Him to have a good one-on-one talk. This day, however, was different. I laid it all out: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Every emotion I had kept inside was desperately poured out before Him as never before. Nothing was held back.
I started by telling Him how tired I was with Dani’s lack of progress. Then I reminded Him of how many times I had begged Him to heal her, while He remained seemingly distant and uncaring. If that wasn’t enough, I went on to point out the fact that our cat gave me more attention than my own daughter, and I was sick and tired of not knowing how to help my own child. In ten minutes, I had successfully unloaded every grievance that had taken residence in my heart. The storm had hit, and to my amazement, I was still standing. Honesty with God hadn’t been so bad after all. In fact, it felt rather good.
Determined to weather it out to the end, I pronounced my closing statement. With tears in my eyes and a bony finger pointing toward the heavens, I shouted my biggest grievance of all… “Why won’t you heal her?” I didn’t expect a response from Him at all, let alone one that very moment. For years I had wondered why God hadn’t healed her, but never heard a response. Today was different, however. Conditions were ideal for me to hear Him speak, and He did. Calling me by name, He said, “Nancy, I won’t heal her for two reasons. First of all, you want her healed for you. You don’t want her healed so much for her sake as you want it for you. You want out. Second, I can do more through not healing her than if I do.”
That was it. God had spoken and His answer was clear. I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear, but the truth was remarkably refreshing, so much so I’ve never again questioned Him on this issue of healing. His words made such an impact on my heart that I continue to ponder them to this very day. Like a child in need of a good dose of discipline, I had never before considered the fact that my longing for her to be healed was rooted in my own selfish desires. Had any human on earth uttered these words to me I would have pursed my lips, furrowed my brows, and stomped out of the room. But hearing it from God Himself was an entirely different story. Yes, I loved my daughter very much and wanted only the best for her, but my request had become one that was more for me than for her. God knew it and loved me enough to address it up-front.
The selfishness of focusing on what I wanted had inflicted upon me a severe case of tunnel vision. I never considered that God would want anything other than what I wanted; His decision whether to heal her or not was never in question. He was going to heal her; I was convinced.
This notion, however, that God could do more through not healing her, now that was a new one. It boggled my mind, prompting me to think outside the box. For the first time in years, I began to realize that God was not only in control, but fully aware of our situation and had a specific plan for our family, one far greater than anything I could ever conceive on my own. New hope was born again and it did not involve healing."
Since Dani is so limited in her ability to communicate she has virtually no friends to play with. Such a dear friend and therapist is special beyond words. Thank you Natalie for all you've done and still do for our little Dani and thank you Lord for sending Natalie our way!
